The following piece is inspired by Hills Like White Elephants (Ernest Hemingway). In my story and Hemingway's, symbolism is heavily used. The value of light and dark is incorporated in both scenes. In "Hills Like White Elephants", the woman has to conquer a hard decision, as her lover pushes and shoves to make a certain choice. The relationship in "Hills Like White Elephants" inspired me to write about my own.
It’s late July, I’m taking a bath and my mom knocks on the door, and says that Dan’s here. Oh God I think, how am I going to do this. My moms says “Don’t be rude Angelina! That boy is waiting down there for you.” I slowly get up into a towel and make my way to my room. I get ready, dreading what awaits downstairs. I choose a black and white skater dress with converse, something easy to run in. I fly down the stairs ripping off the awkward band aid. Dan and my brother Dominic are sitting there stiffly on the couch, staring at the TV screen. He’s in his work clothes, all black, and immediately stands up at the sight of me. Dominic gives me a “good luck” smirk as Dan and I make our way out the door, into his little beat up green car which we traveled near and far in. The car ride back to his house is mostly silent, he knew what was coming, and so did I. We have some awkward chit chat, talking about our day, and our surroundings. I instantly regret not dropping the bomb at my house, but he insisted on me coming over. We pull into his driveway, and his dog Rocky awaits us barking like a pitbull, but he’s only a little beagle. I look at Rocky and feel sadness rush through my body, I love that little guy. Dan and I walk up to his room, in the attic, the smell of weed and paint hits me in the face like a truck. I look around and see all the art work we created. His is dark and full of intense colors and rough shapes. My work is more light and earthy, full of color. Our hand prints are covered all over the room, mine blue and his red, the paintings are covered from floor to ceiling. I look at what I created, a giant golden tree on top of a dew drop, with roots growing over the ball of water. We sit down and look at eachother. I feel out of my skin and want to jump out the window. “Listen Dan, I’m sorry but I don’t know what to say” “What do you mean” he says “I feel like we’re going nowhere, like we’re in a loop.” “You’re saying this because of what Lyn said arent you!” “What ? No we were both there when you exploded, she just noticed your dark side as well” “I swear, I want to hurt her” “What?” “Not like that, I just feel like she is telling you all this shit about me” “This isn't about her this is about us!” I say He sits there for a minute, thinks, and finally says “I have one question for you: what will make you happy?” “Being as far away from you,” I think to myself “I don't know” “What do you mean you don’t know!” he screams "I'd like to be laying on the beach by the ocean right now, that would make me happy" "BE SERIOUS" “I don’t know Dan, I’m happy being with you, because I feel like I’m making YOU happy. I feel like I’m still in this because I don’t want to upset you, I don’t want to hurt you.” “You saying that makes it so much worse” he says with a sigh “I’m sorry “For what!?” “For hurting you! I want to do this as painless as possible! I’m sorry” the thought of hurting an innocent soul pained me. “There is no painless way to break up with someone, stop acting like this” “I’m sorry!” “STOP SAYING YOU’RE SORRY” “Okay….sorry” “Why! Just tell me why” he whines “I feel like you don’t love me, that you love the idea of being in love” I said with guilt. I was talking about myself, not him. “What do you mean! I tell you how I feel all the time, you’re the only thing that makes me happy. You know what, I think you’re the one who doesn't know how to feel” “You're right” “So it’s you not me” “Dan you told me you were in love with me a week after we first hung out” “That doesn't matter” “DAN we’ve been dating for 3 months! “ “That doesn't matter!” I think for a moment, how do you tell someone why you don’t like them, in THAT kind of way? When we hang out together, I get this little voice in my head telling me to run, that he’s evil. I immediately think I’m crazy and contemplated calling one of those over the phone therapists. But, it’s everything, I don't feel safe, I feel out of my skin. There’s so much hidden dark inside of him, it slowly comes out. I notice it in his artwork, he draws bloody, dark things. At first I thought it was just his style, but I realized that’s who he truly is on the inside. I feel like I’m being drained, pulling me down with him. I want to be there for him during this darkness, but I’m afraid he is the darkness. So I told him just that. “You think I’m evil?” “No I just think you’re going through a weird part in your life” “You know what Angelina, you’re not perfect, you think I’m evil, well guess what you are, you're like a Siren. One of those beautiful mermaids who lures you in, and then drags you into the ocean and drowns you” I sit there, letting him rant. He says “I’m sorry I said that, but I’m not sorry, we can fix this okay, we can work this out” “I’m sorry you see me that way, I’m not intentionally trying to hurt you. When we met in English class I felt like I knew you already, that we instantly clicked.” “When you would call me on the phone, I would think to myself, wow this girl actually loves me, was any of that real?” “Yes! Of course, Dan I’ll always care for you, but I don’t know if I can be what you want. I feel like the emotions I felt came into bursts, like I had to force them to be there. ” “Was anything you felt for me real?” “I don’t know” “STOP SAYING THAT” “I dont think it’s gonna just magically workout” “What do you want! Just say it! Just fucking say it” he screams “Dan, we’re breaking up” He looks at me, starts crying, and yelling and throwing things. I start feeling sorry and want to put my arms around him to comfort him. But then he starts acting like a pissed off toddler with a poopy diaper. I just sit there, trying not to laugh, I can’t handle people when they’re being dramatic. “I hate when you do that, when you laugh at awkward situations!” “Dan, just sit here for a minute, instead of blowing up like this just talk it out okay?” “Are you fucking serious!” “Stop calm down, please calm down!” He throws a shoe at me, but completely misses, and keeps screaming. This time I laugh. I feel terrible for doing this but I really can’t control it. I’m giggling to hide my fear. Laughing in the face of danger. I feel like I’m in an out-of-body experience. He’s putting on a show and I’m the audience, but I definitely bought the wrong ticket. I tell him “I can’t help it! You're acting like we’re married! We’ve been dating for 3 months!” “Fuck this” he says Dan jumps out the window. There’s a flat porch roof about 10 feet long outside of it. I go out the window after him and notice that he’s nowhere to be found. I look up and there he is, standing on the top of the attics roof, which is about 8 feet higher than the surface I’m standing on. “Dan what are you doing?” I can’t help it, I always laugh at very awkward or intense moments. Also he’s just so dramatic, I feel like I’m in a sitcom. “Dan, just talk to me!” He says nothing and quickly paces back and forth on the roof, balancing on the edge, like the tip of a triangle. “Dan please come down, I’m sorry, can we talk about this more, please come down please. Stop acting like it’s the end of the world” I contemplate if he’s actually human, I’m pretty sure no one can run back and forth on the tip of a roof without something extra. “How did you even get up there dude?” “I don’t know, I have a lot of adrenaline right now!” While he looks down at the ground from the roof, I scream and scream for him to be rational. He finally listens to me, and jumps all the way down to the surface I’m on. “What was that?” I say “I wasn't gonna really do it” “Okay, but what was that.” “Can we talk about this more? I feel like we can work it out?” He says “I don’t think I’m gonna change my mind, I feel our lives will be better a part” “If you walk out that door, I’ll know it’s over” I look at him, give him a hug, and walk down the stairs. I pass all our artwork we spent hours and hours on. As I’m walking through his house I can hear him screaming. I’m almost at the door and I see his sister Lila, wearing the same smirk as my little brother. I throw her a peace sign and walk out the door. We were each other's first relationship. Even though I broke up with him, I took it really hard. I kept feeling so bad for hurting him, and wanted to get back together to make him happy. But I knew in my heart I’d be a bad person if I did that, I couldn't lead him on. For some reason as I was broken, trying to pick up the pieces, I listened to Mr. Blue Sky about 140 times.
5 Comments
Danni
2/11/2019 11:19:36 am
Hey girl heyyy!
Reply
Angelina
2/11/2019 01:47:02 pm
It’s a weird feeling, glad and sad I’m not the only one.
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Francis
2/11/2019 12:44:49 pm
Hey,
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Angelina
2/11/2019 01:45:40 pm
There’s definitely more
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shaymaa
3/3/2019 05:04:49 am
your story is so powerful.... you need to remember you are the Most important person in your life ...
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-Angelina-
I will use this blog as an outlet for my ideas and emotions. |